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20 December 2010 @ 09:12 pm
i dont know why but im starting to miss things.. its making me feel things i havent in awhile or maybe i just blocked it out all this time.. avoiding it? No idea. But man its hard typing on this keyboard. I dont remember the sidekick being this difficult.. erh. /;

Posted via LjBeetle
Current Music: set fire to the first bar - snow patrol.
17 December 2010 @ 12:15 am
Dude I don't know I'm still baffled.. Of course right.. Whatever.
Anyways a few weeks ago he was all are you gonna post a happy birthday to me and I was like yeah of course.. So.
Although you hate me, I just wanted to say happy birthday matthew..

After tonight no more of him on here.
Goodnight world.

Posted via LjBeetle
Current Music: Since you been gone - a day to remember.
10 December 2010 @ 01:27 am

As retarded as this sounds.. I swear I'm 'psychic' sometimes.. With a hint of psycho possibly.. o.0 I don't know.
For the past few days, everytime I saw anything USC-related (which was everywhere it seemed.. Like weird?!), a wave of anger would succumb me. :l
Come to find out.. He hates me.. So, I get it now.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Music: all over me - lindsey harper.
09 December 2010 @ 10:50 pm
I'm not going to care.. I'm going to TRY not to care..
You have no idea how tiring it is to defend yourself.. especially when someone is so set in thinking you are something you're not. But I guess when it comes to that point, why even bother. That's how he will always see you. So..

I'm trying to exchange my sister's gift, but Victoria's is being retarded as fuck. Apparently, the item I bought is sold out in stores. :l Gosh.. I should just return it and then purchase it online.. The thing is I can't stand waiting for packages. I ordered shit a few days ago but it hasn't even shipped yet. Very annoyed, to say the least. 
So far, I've only got two gifts purchased.. and I wanna wrap them using my pretty wrapping paper and gift tags. :]
Call me a dork.. -_-

SF in a few days. Although I'm trying to cut back on my spendings, I will try to enjoy my time in the city sightseeing because it's been awhile. My limit will be set very low.. even when it comes to the food..
Will I succeed? Or fail? HM..
Current Music: stuttering - fefe dobson.
08 December 2010 @ 09:35 pm
Why does M think that P has a thing for me? It's weird as fuck.. seeing as he's been with his girl for 5 years.. Though she didn't out and say it, but I can just tell that she was implying it with how she was saying it to me.. Hella outta the cuts and shit too. We weren't even talking about him or anything that would trigger HIM. o_0
M: Why does P always tease with you?
T: I don't know...?
M: Huh, very.... weird....

Anyways, looks like I have work on Friday AND Saturday now. Not just Saturday.. :l Oh well.
I was planning on going home Saturday night.. but seeing as we close at 10 on Saturdays, that's kina late to be driving two hours to the bay. Actually, 2+ HOURS.. That's a little too long for my liking especially after a long day at work.. I requested for Monday and Tuesday off though. Haha, just cos I want to get my new phone.. and I'm paying for my sister's phone too. I'm not balling, but I owe her. OI. 
Oh and I think I'm gonna go to SF cos it's been awhile!

DUDE- it seems like my 'cold' kicks in when I'm off work.. I can feel my body going hot and cold in a quickness like it's bipolar or some shit. GOD.
Current Music: Shinedown - Call Me | Powered by Last.fm
05 December 2010 @ 07:56 pm
So.. as I was lying here trying to fix up pictures for a huge frame that has been vacant sometime.. I was hit with the memories of this summer.. And I wanted to finally let it out. I think because as I was looking at the pictures of this summer.. I was reminded.
I never really discussed this with anyone in full-depth as to what happened this summer and why I did what I did.. but I want to spill it to livejournal.
When school let out for the summer, I packed my things and went to Sacramento like I had always done every summer for the past how many years. And it was supposed to be just like any other summer. I hang out have some fun.. but then this summer was definitely different. My cousins had big dreams and this was the summer they were going to make it happen. Open three restaurants and of course they were going to be busy. I didn't mind watching their kids or any other kids that happen to stumble upon my sitting. But there were three particular kids (+one more that was on and off, but mostly off) that I grew even more fond of this summer. We spent pretty much ALL summer together. We went swimming.. got dark as fuck. We went to the stores.. all three of us. And trust me it was a hassle taking them in and out of the car, but I did it. Got lunch and stuff.. all three of us. And I basically parented them the whole summer while the parents were starting up their business. When one restaurant opened.. it wasn't for a matter of weeks until the next one was.. And I was there baby sitting them.
One even grew a huge attachment to me.. After the neglect from her parents, everytime we dropped them off at the restaurant at night, she'd cry for awhile because she wanted to go with me.. and I felt like the mom resented me for it? But really is it MY fault though?
Then there was a question and decision I had to make. It wasn't like it anything huge. But I was asked to consider maybe staying semi-permanently in town and watch their kids while they worked. I was up for it.
One weekend, I went home to pack my things. And the morning when I came back, I was helping out at the restaurant inside the kitchen and the mom didn't know I was back so when she came to work she had already dropped the kids off. She took mental note that tomorrow she can take the kids out there so I can take them back to grandma's.. but my cousin (owner) was specifically told that I will be helping out tomorrow too so the mom would have to take the kids to grandma's again.. but of course he never told her. And that next morning the kids were out there.. even during the busiest hours of lunch, she gets dramatic and yells into the kitchen where she made sure I heard that she was taking the kids home.. 
Was it MY fault that HE didn't inform HER about the plan? D:
So, the next morning I decided not to help out anymore.. so I just hung around until it was time to leave.. and HE calls in and talking to my cousin about how he doesn't want me out there anymore.. and as if the whole summer of PARENTING their kids was nothing.. Talk about lack of appreciation.. and since then, I stopped babysitting. I still love their kids dearly but I cannot forgive them for what happened.. ever. Because they made it obvious that it was MY fault.. and not theirs.
The situation still gets me choked up and I wish it didn't.. but never once had I felt so hurt by my own family before.. and still no apology and this was over three months ago..

That is why sometimes when I'm lying in my room.. I think about what I'm doing here. Because this wasn't the plan.. :l
Current Music: I never told you - Colbie Caillat
05 December 2010 @ 07:09 am

It is barely light out and I am lying here.. Wide awake! Like wtf. :l I'm tired as fuck but at the same time.. I'm not? Gah.
But this will be a change.. I'm not here to cry.. In fact, I don't actually know why I'm posting..
Yesterday was uh.. eventful? o.0 I cried for the most part.. But I got tired of it so I went shopping.. Actually I didn't at all. Just returned shit cos I had nothing else to do. I spent most of my money on food.. Probably spent 100 this week. Meh. No more. I'm going broke and I need to ask when I'm getting paid..
When I got home.. I did some more crying. I'm just a weak mess. But then......... He talked to me. /: I just hope it's not the same ol' cycle.. I can't go through it all that again..

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Music: say ok - vanessa hudgens.
04 December 2010 @ 01:37 pm

I have so much regret roaring inside of me.. The way I feel.. I wish it would go away. I don't know how long it will take but I just know I broke my own heart with my decision to do what I did. It sure as hell not remotely close to what I want but it was fate. It wasn't meant to be clearly.. I wish I could take it back but I won't try to.
This is how it HAS to be and I will convince myself so.
God. I can barely function. I haven't eaten. Haven't done much of anything. I've numbed myself..
Now I'm going cry myself to sleep.. :l

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Music: breakeven - the script.
02 December 2010 @ 10:26 pm
That is exactly how I feel at the moment. Today was my first day off in three days.. and I'm sick. Like great! But, I tried to not let that ruin my day.. In fact, I spent most of my day (though, it wasn't sunny at all!) out. I went shopping at so many stores.. but when I looked down at how many miles I drove.. it didn't even surpass 15 miles. Oi. I guess I CAN shop around Elk Grove.. Weird. But tomorrow, I shall continue my shopping. Hopefully I don't feel how I do now though. :l
Anyways, I feel like total shit. AH! - Maybe because I was out all day and now I'm just drained? It's possible. I should sleep but I kina wana watch Vampires Suck.. I have a feeling I won't finish. So why bother to start? Eh..
OH- H painted my bedside today. :) THANKS! It looks so much better.. Now I gotta wait for it to dry and I will finally put some use into it..
Oi. I'm just going to go to bed..... GNITEY.
Current Music: Acceptance - So Contagious | Powered by Last.fm
28 November 2010 @ 04:42 pm
I hate that the only time I resort to expressing anything I feel on here is when I'm all emo-tastic and shit. /: And when I read back on here, I find myself to be annoying as fuck.. but I guess when I'm happy and about, I'm too busy to spill. 
I feel like I'm losing M.. Though I know I shouldn't expect much because of everything he is going through, but it's like we're allowing one another to push the other away. He says I'm selfish, but I don't think he could be any more wrong. :( Why am I so guilty for wanting to hold onto us so hard that he finds that to be selfish. He's closed himself off to me.. and what should I do? Should I just accept it.. I'm so used to how things were. I'm always up for change.. hell, our friendship changes every month and I learn to accept how it is.. but this time every little thing I do he picks apart - and finds more reason for us to just move on. :l Gosh..

What should I do..
Current Music: move along - all-american rejects